Emo Shrek
by Jiggly Booty
Summary: Shrek's feeling really depressed. So when he decides to enter the local talent show, will his luck begin to change? In chapter 10 I write an awful rap, which is worth looking into.
1. Shrek's Torment

While Fiona was away with the kids Shrek got very lonely. He stared out the window of his stump house and frowned in away only Shrek could. His ears grew limp and fell to the sides of his head and tears started rolling down his cheeks. He did what he always did when he was depressed, go to Hot Topic. Shrek then got on his really cool fire painted skate board and skated down to the village doing some pretty sweet wheelies as he went. But he ran over one of the blind mice which made him even more depressed.

Finally Shrek got into town and was greeted with the familiar sight, people pointing at him and whispering. Even after marrying the princess of the land Shrek still was treated like an outcast and was hardly ever welcomed to town.

"Be careful kids ogres cannot be trusted," a bearded man said to his son and daughter. "They will swoop in and rob you blind." He noticed that Shrek was getting closer and quickly shuffled out of the way. Shrek frowned even further trying not weep the tears that were building up.

"What a gross animal, I don't even get why ogres are like even treated like people. I mean they're so f-ing ugly god." A basic young woman said to her friends, while sitting in front of Starbucks with pumpkin spice lattes. Shrek tried to cover his ears but he still heard them laughing as he skated by. ' _Okay Shrek you'll only be in town for a little while longer so just...keep it together, kay?'_ But the pain still carried with him as he continued to Hot Topic.

He finally turned onto the street in which Hot Topic was on and nearly ran over a little girl. "Mommy!" The little girl screamed. "A fat smelly monster almost killed me." Quickly a woman grabbed the girl's hand and yanked her away from Shrek shooting a disgusted look over her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Shrek began. "I did't see her around the corner, It was an accident really." Holding up his hands meaning that he meant no harm.

"Yeah, well maybe next time you should be paying attention **ogre**." The lady snapped back continuing her on her way pulling the wailing child along with her. Shrek hung his head in shame, blocking his face with his hands so the world didn't have to see the horrible monster that he was.

Finally he got to Hot Topic and went inside, hoping that this would lessen his misery. He quickly made his way over to the make up section and picked out a bottle of black nail polish, black lipstick, and some black mascara. He remembered the last time he wore mascara, he ended up crying himself to sleep with it on. He then got a new long black wig that could fit over his ears and eyes, he needed a new one because he dyed his last one a color that wasn't edgy enough. Finally after checking out the t-shirts he decided to pick out a Twenty-one pilots one because it was his favorite band. Finally after waiting in a long depressing line for checkout he made it to the counter. The cashier was wearing a Nightmare Before Christmas shirt, suspenders, and a crap ton of collectable pins. ' _Fucking casual,'_ Shrek thought to himself. _'She doesn't even understand our_ _culture_.'But at the counter he found some cool fake lip piercings so he bought those too.

"Please come again," The cashier said flashing a fake smile. Shrek nodded his head and made his way out the door, back out to civilization, back to to...suffering.

End of Chapter One


	2. Shrek's Decision

After Shrek burst out of Hot Topic he quickly jammed on the wig and made sure he swept his bangs to the side so it covered one of his eyes. After a few adjustments of him covering his ogre ears he was on his way. He hopped on his cool skate board and set off towards the town's market so he could buy some fresh onions for his dinner. When he turned into the busy market, business continued as usual. Shrek loved the market because the constant commotion distracted people from the ogre and Shrek seemed to forget about his constant internal suffering. He immediately set off towards the produce stalls feeling that if nothing could bother him, that is until he saw a familiar head of ginger locks. Shrek attempted to pull his hoodie over his head but it was too late.

"Heeeeey Shreeeeek," A slimy voice said. Shrek cringed internally as Rumpelstiltskin emerged from the crowd wearing a fancy white jacket both his stick arms around the waists of his sexy witch side hoes. "I didn't expect to find you here...I thought you'd be crying and posting emo things on Tumblr." The two witches cackled as if he told the most funniest joke in the world.

"Uh, hello there Stiltskin, I didn't expect to find you in town." Shrek mumbled trying his best to try to avoid eye contact from the pervey midget.

"Yes I thought I would buy some new clothes, these are kinda've drab, but then again they look spectacular compared to the rags you wear." Shrek shoved past hiding his tears from view as he made his way to the stand. "Haha baby," Rumpelstiltskin called after him. Shrek quickly paid for a large bag of onions and hurried off to avoid any more unwanted confrontations. _"Rumpelstiltskin doesn't even understand the hate I_ get," Shrek thought to himself sullenly. _"And he's ginger."_

Immediately after getting out of town it began pouring rain, Shrek didn't care. The rain drops would help hide that he had been crying earlier. After trudging through the slippery mud for five hours he finally made it back to his polluted swamp. An unconscious dwarf was lying naked in a tree with a beer bottle tucked in his armpit, but Shrek didn't care he was finally home. He opened the door to his hut and dumped the onions and Hot Topic goodies in the kitchen and stared at his reflection in the kitchen sink. What he saw was a poor, daddy issued, monster, he turned away and eyed the knife block in consideration. Shrek shuddered at the thought of cutting himself (sharp things made him queasy). Instead Shrek went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of ketchup Shrek poured a glob of ketchup over his wrist and sighed at the false feeling of being emo. After a few minutes of admiring his "cutting" Shrek washed off the fake blood and took a seat at his desk.

Shrek turned on his laptop to look up the newest edgy hair colors to dye his new 5 dollar wig. Shrek searched for a awhile then decided that he was going to dye it neon green because it looked toxic and it would contemplate Shrek's booger colored skin. Since he was already on the internet he decided to go on Twitter to see if EDGELORD666 had posted any awesome tweets of him playing chess and stuff. What surprised him was that Prince Charming, the most popular guy in Far Far Away, had posted a tweet that mentioned Shrek in it. Out of curiosity he clicked on it and it read, ShrekDaBeast U r lame #Roasted #Lol #OrgesAreSmelly. Shrek looked down and saw that the tweet had been retweeted a billion times.

Shrek stared at the words for a while before he finally came up with a great comeback, PrinceCharming I know what u r but what am I? Shrek tweeted while chuckling softly. Shrek then got up and poured himself a glass of onion juice, when he came back he already saw that Charming had tweeted, ShrekDaBeast U r weird #Exposed #Lmao #OrgesAreDumb. Shrek though to himself, _"Dang he's good."_ Shrek then got up and started doing his makeup, the nail polish accidentally shattered in the bag so Shrek used a sharpie to do his nails because he's poor. Shrek didn't mind the nail polish because it turned the entirety of the bag's interior black, which was Shrek's favorite color. After five hours of putting on makeup he turned on his dirty webcam and started doing his usual Friday night live stream.

You might not know this but Shrek is a regular live streamer under the alternative hashtag, but he hasn't got many followers because being goth doesn't equal popular.

So for the next couple hours Shrek live streamed hoping it would take his mind off of the events that happened earlier that day. After listening to "sad violin" for the eleventh time and complaining how his parents didn't understand him Shrek finally ended the live stream. Since he was bored he decide to check on local live streams in the area. To his surprise he found out Princess Fiona, Shrek's wife, was currently live streaming. Out of curiosity Shrek clicked and what was revealed to Shrek was a lit night club with a DJ and stuff, Shrek even saw Lord Farquaad in there grinding on anyone would was unfortunate to get close enough. Eventually he spotted Fiona in the rave dancing on an upturned table with a baby in one arm and a bottle of booze in the other. Shrek eventually stopped watching when Fiona's drunk ass accidentally tripped and dropped their chubby baby off a balcony.

The ogre hopped into bed, which creaked under his horrendous weight, hoping tonight's dreams would take him away from this horrible world. When Shrek fell asleep he had a terrible nightmare of himself giving birth to a fire breathing dragon and that Donkey was the baby daddy. Shrek woke up in a cold sweat and scrambled out of bed grabbing a caterpillar from the wall which he promptly ate. He walked into the living room and stared out an open window up at the moon, wondering if he would ever have the right to go that far away from the misery on earth. After pondering for a while he finally tucked himself in bed alone, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

End of Chapter Two


	3. Shrek's Company

After Shrek woke up he made himself some terrible breakfast, which consisted of grape juice and toast burnt to black. Shrek liked that the food was dark, but he was too emo to be happy that it was a dark color. After breakfast Shrek found his passed out drunk wife Fiona laying on the back porch. He then dragged her back into the hut and shoved her into a closet. After dusting off his hands, Shrek decided that he was going to dye his wig. Shrek then got on his shrektacular skateboard and skated down to the post office, because those still exist. He opened the door to the small square building and went inside.

"Ah, Shrek nice to see you again," said a deep voice from behind the counter.

Shrek smirked his black lips and looked to see his old ex, Ugly Step Sister. "It's almost nice for me to see you to." Shrek looked sideways at the deep throated creature before him. "You know I still don't know if you have a penis?" She looked at Shrek and shrugged as if she was asked this a lot.

Doris changed the subject by asking, "I noticed that there was some hair dye shipped in today and I know you're the only creature in a billion mile radius that would buy hair dye off the internet." Shrek nodded his ogre head in agreement, Step Sister then left the small room and brought back a small black box and set it on the counter. "I still don't get why you don't directly ship to your house."

Shrek got a far away look in his deep brown eyes, "I don't want people seeing me in my muddy swamp like I'm some sort of monster." Ugly Step Sister arched a heavily penciled eyebrow and made her away from around the counter and to a small bulletin board near the door. She ripped off a piece of paper off the board and handed it to Shrek. Shrek looked down and noticed that it was a poster for the town's annual talent show. Shrek hissed like a cat and dropped the paper as if it was the devil. "I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Well because...because... I don't have a talent."

Sure you do you have a lovely singing voice and some pretty superb dancing skills."

"I don't want to show off in front of none emos, they wouldn't understand the effort and art put into my interpretive dance."

"JUST DO IT. The prize money is one hundred dollars."

Shreks eyes bugged out of his sockets, "Wow, that is a ton of money." Being an ogre with out rights Shrek thinks that anything over $20 is a lot of money. "I might do it for the money, because I need to buy some new edgy clothes for my live streams. Last night I had four people watching me at the same time so I'm steadily growing in popularity. All right then I'll do it."

"Fine I hope you don't die, also I'll be filming this whole thing. Then again, you'd probably be happy if you died. You'll need to register and I hope I'll see you in the show this Friday." Shrek called the number on the poster from his skull sticker covered cracked flip phone and registered for the horrible talent show. Shrek secretly hoped deep down in his shriveled misguided heart that people would like his performance.

End of Chapter Three


	4. Shrek's Filler

Since it was still early in the day, Shrek decided that he should practice for the talent show. So he hopped back on his hellfire skateboard and skated back home so he could get practicing, the show was tomorrow so Shrek knew that he had to get going. Finally he got home, but by then Shrek was feeling very stressed and depressed, a horrible combination that Shrek felt often. He carefully set his box of hair dye down on his desk and made his way to the bathroom's medicine cabinet. He looked at the mirror on the wall and noticed that his eyes were red so he must've been crying in his sleep like a little bitch again. Shrek then grabbed hold of the cabinet's handle and opened the cabinet to get some antidepressants, but to his surprise his usual bottle of prescription was gone. Shrek let out wail and started panically searching for the bottle that would muddle his brain. Finally deciding that it wasn't in the bathroom he went out and noticed that Fiona was awake and was sitting on the couch.

"Fiona," Shrek sobbed, black mascara running down his smelly face. "My antidepressants are gone. Do you know where they are?" When Shrek finally got in front of the stain covered couch he noticed that Fiona was staring at the ceiling with unfocused eyes and a was drooling a bit. Out of the corner of his eye Shrek saw that Fiona was grasping a empty medication bottle in her manly hands. "Oh my Satan," Shrek gasped in disbelief. He then started shaking his ogre mistress. "Damnit Fiona how many pills did you take."

"I...dink...it was tweeny hive?" Fiona replied uncertainty her weird eyes rolling in their sunken sockets. Suddenly she started foaming at the mouth and then she promptly threw up all over herself as if she was a demon in a horror film, then she passed out on the couch covered in vomit.

"Damnit now I'll have to get more, thanks wife, and I mean that in a sarcastic way because people find it hard if I'm sarcastic." Fiona stayed completely still as if she was dead. Shrek would have been envious if she was dead. "Fine then I'll go and get some more, I wish I was loved." Shrek didn't like refilling his prescription, the only pharmacist in a hundred mile radius was Fairy Godmother. Shrek didn't like her mostly cause she was a bitch, but also because she's Prince Charming's mom. Shrek sighed and started playing with his wig hair. "Goodbye."

Shrek then got back on his skateboard and started the trek to Fairy Godmother's. After skating in the mystical forest for about an hour Shrek finally came upon Fairy Godmother's factory where she made magic potions and other crazy shit. Recently she got busted for crack so she swore that she would only use the building for the production of medicine, but no one really believes her. After reaching the front step Shrek jumped off his skateboard and landed with a heavy thud breaking the pastel side walk. "Oops," Shrek muttered. He then hid his prized skateboard in some bushes so no one would steal it. Finally he dusted himself off and went inside the large building.

End of Chapter Four

 **Hello everyone reading, I love reading reviews so please leave them! Also I accidentally deleted the entire finished chapter so this is what I wrote instead. Also thanks for reading! Bye**


	5. Shrek's Errand

After Shrek opened the door and went inside he immediately hissed and pulled his hoodie on covering his eyes. The room was repainted a shocking pink and the usual huge portraits of Fairy Godmother were still on the wall. Shrek blindly shuffled toward the front desk bumping into multiple chairs on the way there. Not wanting to uncover his eyes to see the abomination of a room he was in. Finally he bumped into something large and hard, Shrek peeked out and saw a very mystified elf receptionist sitting at the desk.

"Welcome to Fairy Godmother's where you're happily ever afters come true. Who are you and what is your purpose for coming?" The elf asked in a bored monotone voice. Shrek fully removed his hoodie and the elf gasped. "Holy crappity crip crap, are you Shrek, that one ogre that lives in the trash swamp in the middle of nowhere." Shrek nodded sadly. "Wow, you know, I've watched part of your live stream for like 5 seconds, but it was a good five seconds. It was the one where you were attempting to climb a tree. That...that was pretty interesting, right?" The elf asked trying to start a conversation.

"I was seeing if the branches could support a noose," Shrek said dead serious.

The elf had a sudden but brief shocked expression, "You know I never thought of you as the joker type, you're more of a satanist personality."

"I never joke, jokes bring laughter and I can only cry manly tears."

"Yeah sure," the elf said seemingly to lose interest in the fat green creature. "So what is the purpose of your visit?"

"I'm in need of a refill of my medication that I totally don't rely on," Shrek said pulling out the empty bottle. The elf glanced at the bottle and smirked a sly grin.

"Oh I see, but I'm sorry I can't help you, though my unfair boss can." He nodded at the double doors to the right. Shrek sighed deeply and trudged through the doors. The doors revealed the large interior of the factory, but Shrek could care less. He hadn't felt this depressed in his entire life, so all he really cared was finding the boss bitch and getting some pills. Finally after walking around a bit he heard a familiar enchanting voice coming from behind a door. Shrek leaned his massive noggin against the door and started listening to the conservation.

"It's okay mommy can help you with that dear," Shrek immediately recognized the sultry voice of Fairy Godmother, but it seemed she was talking to someone. He then heard a belt being unfastened and zipper being pulled down. Then he started hearing strange wet sucking sounds, there was no talking for awhile until he finally heard a girly moan come from behind the door. Suddenly the squelching noises started increasing in sound and there was another moan. Shrek was leaning so far against the door that he was on his tippy toes, his black converse perpendicular to the door. Finally there was one long finally moan before the sucking noises were replaced with the sound of hacking. After awhile the hacking stopped and the voice replied, "I swallowed as much as I could honey. There's no need to pout, mommy did as best as she could." Shrek dropped the bottle he was holding in surprise and it landed on the floor shattering into pieces.

Immediately the room became silent, Shrek just had enough time to lean back onto his feet before the door flew open. There stood Fairy Godmother in all her unholy beauty, but this time her hair was messed up and a strange smelling white liquid was trailing down her chin. She quickly pulled the door shut and looked both ways down the hall to see if anyone else was there. Finally she screamed, "WHAT DAFUQ IS A DUMBASS, BOOGER EATING, ASS FACED, SEWAGE SMELLING OGRE DOING OUTSIDE MY BED CHAMBERS!" Shrek immediately got on the floor and curled up in a ball and started sobbing.

"You're mean," he choked out.

"I know. What are you even doing here anyway?!" That's when she noticed the shattered bottle on the floor, her eyes lit up with devious light. "Ah, now I see. Here's the deal I'll refill your meds for free, but in return you never EVER tell any living soul of what you heard just now. IS THAT CLEAR?!"

Shrek nodded meekly tears rolling down his ogre cheeks. Fairy Godmother grinned, "good boy, I though you'd make the right decision." She then reached into her massive lacy bra and whipped out a humming bedazzled vibrator. "Oops, wrong magic wand, hee hee," she replied winking at Shrek, which made Shrek really want to die. She then put that one back and pulled out her regular star magic wand. With a mystical wave of the wand a large bottle of antidepressants appeared next to emo Shrek. "Kay glad that's finished, next time please call in beforehand." She then cracked her back and sighed in relief. "I think mommy's earned herself a drink." She then opened the door and stepped inside slamming it shut for good measure.

Shrek immediately popped off the lid and threw a hand full of meds in his mouth and swallowed it all in one gulp. Feeling a lot better Shrek got up and daintily dabbed away his tears. He then rushed out of the factory desperate to get home. The sun was already setting which meant that Shrek wasted his whole day in that pastel shop of horrors. He tore apart the bushes getting to his skateboard, because they deserved it. If Shrek had pain they deserved to have pain. Right when he was about to get on his sick board he felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it out and saw that Pinocchio had texted him. Out of curiosity Shrek flipped open his shit phone and read the short text. Meeting 2 night at midnight, meet at the usual place. Shrek groaned internally, all he wanted was to go home to the swamp and take a nice hot emo mud bath. He argued with himself for awhile before he finally decided to go to the dumb meeting. So he hopped on his skate board and started towards the usual meeting place, the spooky scary cemetery.

End of Chapter Five


	6. Shrek's Battle

At about 11:50 Shrek finally arrived at the cemetery. By now the sun had completely disappeared and a full moon was illuminating the dark sky. Shrek picked up his skateboard and respectfully entered the grave yard's large black gate. He then began the hike to his gang's usual meeting place which was at the top of the hill crowded with tombstones. While he was walking he started crying again because his parents might even be in here, but Shrek wouldn't know. He was abandoned at birth because he was born emo, a sin in the ogre lifestyle. Finally he reached the hill top and bowed respectfully as he entered the Covenant's meeting place.

There was a thick mist resting on the floor covering the grass from view, the only light was from the moon and a few stray lavender candles. The tombstones were arranged into a circle shape like a ring. Lounging on the grave stones were all of Shrek's edgy fairy tale friends. On the largest tombstone was Pinocchio who had a vape pen in his thin hand, which Shrek suspected as the source of the mist. "Hey Pinocchio why are we having this meeting? Like I could be doing something better like learning how to see my toes."

Pinocchio rolled his eyes and took another puff from his e-cigarrete. "Shrek we know about you joining the normie talent show." Pinocchio said crossing his legs. "I think we deserve an explanation."

Shrek shifted his disgusting feet, "Whaaaaaaaat...I would never enter the talent show...what makes you think that?"

Pinocchio reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded pink piece of paper, immediately there was hissing and whimpering from the others because of something so fair in their midst. Pinocchio carefully unfolded the paper and smoothed out the creases. "I have spys all over Far Far Away, anything they see I see. And it happens they were in an elementary school at the time when they found the annual talent show's schedule. And what surprises me the most is that your name is on it. Why?" Pinocchio then tossed the paper at Shrek's feet in disgust.

"Well I mostly did it for the money."

"That's the same excuse that prostitutes make!" Pinocchio said standing up. "Your presence has disgraced this site, your death will return this site to its past glory!" Pinocchio then pulled a machete out of nowhere and charged towards the ogre. Shrek screeched and jumped over the wooden puppet which caused Pinocchio to stab the wolf's heart with his blade. The wolf immediately started gushing blood and Pinocchio started drinking it with a mad rage. "This will make my blood magic stronger!" Pinocchio screeched with insanity. He then put the machete between his teeth and ran at Shrek on all fours with blood lust in his eyes. Pinocchio stabbed Shrek in the dick which caused Shrek to howl in pain. Shrek then held his skate board with both hands and slammed it down on Pinocchio's head causing a huge crack to form, but Pinocchio was not dead yet. Pinocchio pulled out a dozen ninja stars and threw them at Shrek all of them impaling into his back. Shrek screamed in pain and grabbed the puppet by the throat and started slamming his head into a grave stone. All of a sudden his nose grew 5 feet and stabbed Shrek in the eyes causing the ogre to drop him. Shrek stumbled back holding his eye in pain.

"That's it you piece of shit! TIME FOR YOU TO MEET THE FIRE'S OF HELL!" Shrek reached into his pocket and pulled out hairspray and a lighter. Pinocchio gasped and tried to run away, but it was too late. Shrek unleashed his ogre fury and used the two as a makeshift flamethrower to burn the little boy wannabe in a scarlet light. Immediately Pinocchio ignited like a piece of paper screaming savagely as he was dying. He attempted to escape, but he stumbled a bit and fell off the side of a cliff plunging to his death. He was still screaming until there was a loud cracking sound then there was silence.

End of Chapter Six


	7. Shrek's Burial

Shrek turned back to see the others staring at him. Shrek immediately thought they were going to kill him for murdering their master, but they sat in silence just staring at Shrek. Finally after a long time of standing in silence a gross voice said, "Thank you Shrek." Shrek looked around and realized the voice was coming from beneath him. He moved out of the way to see Gingy the gingerbread man, now dressed with black icing because he's emo too. "Pinocchio was holding us hostage. He became the leader of our group through violence and trauma. All we could do was cry and follow his orders. He tried to form us into a cult and kill everyone in Far Far Away, but we wouldn't do it so he tortured us, he licked my eyeball off so that's why I have this eyepatch now." He said tapping his new eyepatch which looked like shit. Shrek turned away from him and walked over too the gravestone that the Wolf used to sit on. He was now dead in a crumpled heap at the bottom covered in blood.

"Well I think he's dead. I'm envious," Shrek said prodding the corpse with his black converse covered feet. "You know he actually asked me to write his obituary a long time ago, but I didn't do it because I don't care."

Ginny then started crying, "He was too young to die!" He then covered his eyes and fell on his knees.

"I think we need to bury him yeah," said one of the 3 little pigs. "He was a good friend, even though he ate our cousins. They were stupid anyway."

Shrek nodded in agreement, "He deserved better then this. We'll bury him at sea, because I've always wanted to try that

So they then dragged Wolf's body down to the beach to have the ceremony. Not caring if he got muddy. They dressed him in a short lacy black dress with ginormous tit implants, Gingy insisted he would've wanted this, and placed him in an old canoe. "Well goody-bye old friend," Shrek said sadly. "Even now, you dread and dressed like a slut you still were a good acquaintance. "With Shrek's final send off still hanging in air he tossed the torch into the boat setting it all aflame. "Damnit we should've put it in the water first!" They then shoved the burning boat into the ocean setting themselves on fire. They screamed and jumped into the ocean extinguishing themselves. The emerged back onto the sand and stared at the small boat floating into the beautiful sunset. They gave a salute and started retreating because morning light is pretty lethal to emos.

End of Chapter Seven


	8. Shrek' Plan

After the Wolf's funeral, everyone regrouped in an abandoned nasty shack that reminded Shrek of home. Immediately Gingy said, "Shrek we are still confused. Why are you doing the talent show? We know you're a desperate whore when it comes to money, but I believe there's something more." Shrek adjusted on his stool uncomfortably desperately thinking of a lie. Since he couldn't think of anything in his pea sized brain he decided to come out clean.

"I'm tired of people classifying me as a monster. I thought this talent show might make people think about me in a different light. But I think my soul is too sinister and there's darkness inside me preventing me of having any happiness."

One of the pigs tapped his chinny chin chin in thought, "or you just might be a fuckin' idiot?"

Shrek rolled his eyes, "Anyway if you guys help me I bet people will befriend emos. And we won't be discriminated against for being surperior to everyone else!" Shrek's emo friends looked at each with uncertainty and colored contacts in their eyes. Everyone's face seemed to read _"Should we do this?"_

Finally Gingy spoke up, "I agree with Shrek, we should try to help him win the contest for the money and for honor." Everyone seemed to agree with Gingy as they were nodding their heads in agreement. "And after the contest I'm sure Shrek would love to treat us to emo ice cream. Isn't that right Shrek?" Gingy turned around to look at Shrek who had gone pale in the face.

"Even though I have $12 in my bank account I'm sure we can work something out."

"So it's settled then, we'll extend our services to make this best damn show in Far Far Away. Also I just remembered what should we do with Pinocchio's body?"

"Eh, who honestly gives a shit? Besides he's happy now probably being Satan's bitch or something."

End of Chapter Eight


	9. Shrek's Preparation

So after the meeting in the shed. The gang returned to Shrek's swamp to get ready for the talent show (which was that night btw). Immediately after getting in the house Shrek pulled down all the blinds, because he was sensitive to light and grabbed a box of saltine crackers and locked himself in a closet, crying for no apparent reason. After crying like a baby and eating almost all the crackers Shrek emerged from the closet finally deciding to actually do shit. He walked out the front door to see his friends were surrounded by metal boxes. "Hey what are those?" Shrek called out pointing at the nearest mystery box.

"Oh this?" One of the pigs answered."These will be the pyrotechnics used for the show dumbass."

Shrek trying to ignore being called a 'dumbass' asked, "What do we need these for? Did we have to pay for them because we're pretty poor aren't we."

"Well everyone thought at the end of your performance we should shoot plumes of fire on stage, it'll look so emo. Oh and I stole these so we don't have to pay for anything."

"Well...okay then, see ya later then." Shrek then waddled back into the house and plopped himself in front of his computer, his fingers poised above the keyboard. ' _What should my song lyrics be?'_ Shrek was going to write a song for the talent show, but he didn't think about it before hand. So he currently had no idea on what he was going to say. Finally a dim lightbulb shown in his dark emo mind. His fingers flew across the keyboard typing his feelings, his tragedies, and of course his edginess. It took 3 hours to finally finish his song, but to him it was a masterpiece. Shrek checked his bat man clock, it read 5:00pm. The talent show started at 7:30. Shrek quickly memorized his song and started getting emo for his performance. As quick as an ogre eats an onion Shrek dyed parts of his hair green. He left his wig in the sun to dry and carefully started doing his makeup. He applied black lipstick and heavy amounts of black eyeliner. Since he didn't have nail polish he took a black sharpie and scribbled on his finger nails. He put red contacts into his eyes and a couple fake piercings in his lips. At last he adorned his ears with demon earrings and a couple of black bracelets. He pulled on his 'My Chemical Romance' t-shirt over a long sleeved fishnet shirt, ripped black skinny jeans, his usual black converse, and finally he placed a red hair clip in his wig to make sure only one of his eyes were covered.

He stepped out of his hut feeling confident for the first time in his life. Then he realized his performance was probably going to be ass so he went back to being emo again. He saw that his friends were jamming instruments into a rusty old black van. Shrek shuffled over watching the chaos unfold as everyone was rushing for time. Shrek saw Gingy and quickly approached him, "Um what are these instruments for."

Gingy glanced at him in surprise, "Did you expect the audience to be moved by your awful singing? Because if I was one of the judges I'd disqualify you." Shrek hung his head about to cry again. "But that's why we're here, to offer back up rhythm to your song."

"Oh, alright then," Shrek answered questionably. Finally after everything was loaded onto the van everyone got inside, but Shrek was too fat so he had to sit on top of the van with a couple pieces of string for a seat belt. After falling off the van only 7 times Shrek finally made it to the stage where the talent show would be held. Immediately the three little pigs trotted off to set up the pyrotechnics for the show. Shrek helped the others unload their instruments and set them up backstage. Shrek's heart was pounding, his chance of redemption was near.

End of Chapter Nine


	10. Shrek's Death

Shrek peeked out from behind the curtain at the audience. He could see Prince Charming and his usual gang of rich pricks. Fairy Godmother was sitting in a pumpkin reading Fifty Shades of Gray. Even Shrek's alchoholic wife, Fiona, showed up for the concert. But she was fast asleep which is the closest thing she has ever been to be a supportive spouse. Finally he saw Ugly Stepsister holding up a smartphone which Shrek assumed what she was filming the concert with. Shrek turned away and walked over to Gingy. "So how's everything going along?"

Gingy glanced up at Shrek, "Well the fire things are all set up. And you haven't even given us the music to play yet, so this concert is going to be really terrible."

"Oh shit, I forgot you guys needed music too. Um, just play really loud that'll make people think we play really good."

Gingy looked at Shrek with an arched eyebrow. "Alright then boss. The show starts in 5 minutes, so get your emo butt ready." Shrek gasped and looked at the clock. Shrek didn't expect he was going to sing so soon. His heart started thumping and beads of sweat started forming.

 _'Whatever. Let's just get this over with, everyone's an idiot anyway.'_ Shrek thought. So he walked over to the microphone and waited for the curtains to rise.

Suddenly a booming voice echoed throughout the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'd like to welcome you to the annual talent show! For our first performance we will be having...Emo Shrek. Emo Shrek? Why the hell is Shrek here? I thought he died a looooooong time ago, isn't he suffering from depression or something? Well anyway for our first act we will be having Emo Shrek sing for us. Take it away!"

The curtains creakily pulled away revealing the disgusted faces of thousands of people staring straight at Shrek. Shrek felt their eyes on him, judging him. Shrek shook his head _'focus Shrek just get this over with.'_ "Band, uh, start playing music." Immediately his friends started playing random notes, filling the surrounding area with god awful sounds. Immediately the audience started booing at the awful music Shrek shook his ogre head, the time is now. Shrek took a deep breath and grabbed the microphone. And he started screaming into it.

 _"Yo it's ya boy Shrek, mess with me get rekt_

 _Prepare for the Shrekening, it's quite an awakening_

 _Come to my swamp, get eaten CHOMP_

 _You think I'm soft, I'm actually goth_

 _I see you drowning money, but I gots your honey_

 _You gave me wedgies, but now I'm edgy_

 _Ive got the stage, put you in a cage_

 _Emo till the end of my days, MOM IT'S NOT A PHASE!_

 _I deserve a raise, these raps deserve praise_

 _I'm Emo in the dark, I'm Emo in a park_

 _I'm crying lots of tears, yet I'm your darkest fear_

 _Your judging my looks? I say what the fook_

 _You're a lame liar, if you say I ain't fire_

 _Prepare to get roasted, MOTHERFUCKING TOASTED."_

On cue the pyrotechnics turned on. Red hot collums of flame shot into the night sky earning an "oooooo" from the crowd. But there was a miscalculation, the curtains were in the way. The curtains immediately ignited and burned away from the rings holding them up. The the fiery curtains fell on top of Shrek and the rest of the band. ' _Oh shit, well I guess this is it then. I had an awful_ life. _Maybe_ _ogre_ _heaven will be waiting for me. Perhaps they'll have onions made of shadows,'_ Shrek thought. Suddenly the crowd started cheering as the music had finally stopped playing. The last thing Shrek could remember was intense heat and the smell of frying onions then darkness. Later that day Ugly Stepsister uploaded a video to YouTubed titled "Horrible Band Dies in Fire" it was an overnight sensation earning billions of views in a couple days. The likes to dislikes ratio was a whopping difference and tons of positivity was pouring in. Shrek always wanted to be liked. And now he got it, around the world his video was being oshared being made fun of yet bringing smiles to everyone who viewed it. Shrek got what he wanted after all. And this was the the legacy he left. The End of Emo Shrek

 **I give partial credit to Alpaca Austronaut and Will for writing the monstrosity of a song.**


End file.
